Sometimes clients come in and start therapy by apologizing and use phrases like "I know other people have been through much worse." or "It wasn't that bad." or "I don't even know if this counts." They describe something painful, like growing up in a home where it felt unsafe to make any mistakes, a relationship with someone who was controlling, a medical scare, or a moment that changed how they saw themselves, and then quickly move on as if it shouldn't matter. But pain isn't a competition, you don't need to have been through the worst thing imaginable for an experience to have deeply affected you.
It isn't only about what happened
When people hear the word "trauma," they often picture something dramatic, and assume that if their experience doesn't look like that, it doesn't count. But what makes an experience stay with us isn't only the event itself. It's also how alone, overwhelmed, or powerless we felt at the time, and whether we had effective support afterward.
Research supports this too. A large population study found that life events such as divorce or job loss could leave people with as many post-traumatic stress symptoms as events more commonly thought of as traumatic, like accidents. Comparing your pain to someone else's won't make it hurt less, but it can make it easier to talk yourself out of getting the right supports.
How it can show up in day-to-day life
Painful experiences don't always stay in the past. Often they show up in the present in less obvious ways, like:
Feeling on edge or easily startled, even when nothing is wrong
Reacting strongly to small things, then feeling confused or embarrassed afterward
Avoiding certain places, people, conversations, or feelings
Having a hard time trusting others, or feeling like you have to handle everything alone
Going numb, shutting down, or feeling disconnected from yourself
Being very hard on yourself, or feeling like you're never quite enough
These reactions aren't signs that something is wrong with you. They're often your nervous system doing what it learned to do to keep you safe. The difficulty is that it's still responding as if the danger is here.
The weight of shame and guilt
One of the heaviest parts of a painful experience is often what we come to believe about ourselves because of it. ‘I should have seen it coming.’ ‘I should have/could have stopped it.’ ‘Something must be wrong with me for this to have happened.’
Shame and guilt are common after difficult experiences, and they matter. A review of research on shame and trauma found that higher levels of shame were linked to more severe post-traumatic stress symptoms. Shame also tends to keep people quiet. It's hard to talk about something when part of you believes it says something bad about who you are. Shame and guilt often feel like the truth. In therapy, we can look at them more gently and ask whether they're fair, and whether they're really yours to carry.
How therapy can help: EMDR and CPT
You don't have to keep carrying this the same way. Two of the most well-researched approaches for working through painful experiences are EMDR and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). They work differently, and many people find one feels like a better fit than the other.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps the brain process distressing memories so they feel less intense and less present. You briefly bring a memory to mind while following bilateral stimulation, like guided eye movements or gentle tapping. You don't need to describe every detail out loud, which many people find helpful when shame makes it hard to talk. A 2025 review of 29 randomized trials found that EMDR significantly reduced trauma symptoms and worked about as well as trauma-focused CBT, often in fewer sessions and without homework.
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) focuses on the beliefs that can form after painful experiences, especially beliefs about blame, safety, trust, and self-worth. Together, we look at the thoughts that keep you stuck, like "It was my fault" or "I can't trust anyone," and work through them in a structured, supportive way. A review of 11 trials led by researchers at the University of Regina found that CPT was effective for post-traumatic stress, with benefits that lasted after therapy ended.
Both approaches start with building safety and trust. We go at a pace that feels manageable, and you stay in control throughout.
You don't have to earn support
You don't need a certain kind of story to deserve help. If something from your past is still affecting how you feel, how you react, or how you see yourself, that's reason enough.
If any of this feels familiar, you don't have to work through it on your own, and you don't need to have it all figured out before reaching out. If and when you feel ready, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation to ask questions and get a sense of what working together might feel like. I offer trauma therapy in person in Hamilton and online across Ontario.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if what I went through "counts"? You don't need a label or a certain kind of story. If something from your past still affects how you feel, react, or see yourself, it's worth talking about.
What's the difference between EMDR and CPT? EMDR focuses on processing the memory itself so it feels less intense. CPT focuses on the beliefs that formed because of what happened, like self-blame or feeling unsafe. We can talk through which one feels like a better fit for you.
Do I have to talk about everything that happened? No. Neither approach asks you to share more than you're ready to, and we'll go at a pace that feels manageable.
What if I feel too ashamed to talk about it? That's very common, and it's okay to start there. Shame is often part of what we work on together, and you can take your time.